Finally Thirty!

It was the final stretch... the last few days of my twenties, which I spent back home. And sometime during that week, I realized I couldn't wait to finally be thirty.

But first I had to finish off my thirty challenges... To start off the week, there was my father's. He asked for thirty kisses for the thirty years he's been my dad --he's always in need of an extra dose of daughterly affection. Once upon a time I was little girl who wanted to marry her daddy, and the safest place on earth was on his lap and wrapped inside his abaya. I think most days he looks at me and wishes I was still that little girl.

The rest of the week perfect vacation mode challenges... I "threw myself a big birthday party"(#29) and basically celebrated for three days (it was like an ongoing birthday festival... and I loved it!). I watched "La Meglio Gioventu" by Marco Giordana (#23) one of three directors my friend M. wanted me to discover before 30... I spent 3 days working on a "self portrait"(#24) drawing from a picture and then painting, the kind of activity that turns my brain off for hours. I also did "random acts of kindness"(#25) all week long, and it made me wonder why I don't do random acts of kindness every day... it's so easy to do someone a favor, to carry an elderly person's groceries or pay someone a compliment... A good thing to keep in mind, which I wrote as part of another challenge "write a life lesson learnt every day"(#27).

There was also a very important, powerful and difficult challenge: "finish the first draft of your book"(#28). And I tried... I put in the hours; as many as I could over the last few weeks. But writing a book is a complicated thing that doesn't always happen on demand, though the pressure of a deadline did make me work a lot harder and make a lot of progress. The challenge did help me get over that hump and push through, so now, at least I can see the end.

My favorite challenge of all is the one I dreaded doing most. Three people told me to "wakeboard or waterski"(#26) and their goal was not only to get me to try a water sport, but to connect with something my late mother used to do (she was a champion waterskier.) I however am not friends with the sea: I don't like boats, I get really bad sea-sickness and I was really being a baby about the whole thing... kept trying to find excuses not to do it. When the teacher told me to throw myself in the water, I did it very reluctantly. I was convinced I was going to be one of those people who never gets out of the water. I followed the instructions and waited for the boat to pull me up so I could fall on my face, say I tried, and that would be the end of it. But when the boat moved, I actually got up. And out. And all of sudden I saw myself wake-boarding. And there is nothing like seeing yourself do something you never thought you could do.

This little game I created for myself... maybe it was just me doing a bunch of silly things for distraction,  but it honestly shifted my perspective entirely. I was dreading turning 30 because I kept thinking that I'm not where I thought I would be. Or should be. But then I played this game. And I pushed myself, even on the days I didn't want to. And I realized there are still so many things I want to do and try and I'm just happy and excited to explore a new decade. Also, getting asked for my ID at a club a week ago may have helped boost my ego...

As for the last challenge (#30) it's one I give myself: Everyone keeps telling the thirties are better because in your twenties you're still looking for yourself and in your thirties, you know who you are... so my challenge is to write down what I know about myself, and to keep it for comparison for when I turn 40...

everything is okay

Monday morning no longer feels like it has for the past 29 years. It's not the first day of the week anymore; it doesn't hold that same power, the pressure, that sense of dread. It's just a day of the week now. Here, I start my week on a Sunday.

I woke up this morning and decided that everything is okay. Everything is okay, everything will be okay. I just need to let go. For the longest time, I've tried to control everything. Even things I can't control, I try to plan for. I make lists --that's how I feel better about things. To be prepared and avoid surprises. I guess this is what became of me after a series of unexpected events that came and punched me in the face, so, surprise surprise, my reaction is to be controlling. Was to be. I'm letting go now.

Actually, the truth is, the unexpected events probably exacerbated my anxieties but I'd always been naturally anxious. Even as a little girl, I always asked the "what if?" questions. I remember my mother pointing this out to me one day when we were on the Corniche, the beach walk in my hometown of Beirut. My baby brother was running around, and I kept worrying he'd fall over the edge. "What if he trips?" I asked. "What if he's holding onto the barrier and it breaks?" "What if he passes under the barrier because he's so small?"

"Why do you always have to think of all the bad possible things that could happen?" my mother asked me. "Relax. You don't need to worry. I'm here, let me worry about it, ok?"

Ok. If she was going to worry about it, then maybe I didn't have to. And I think it worked for a while. But then she died. And there was no one left to worry about all the things that needed to be worried about; no one but me. And I could not be unprepared again. I couldn't just let things happen to me, without accounting for every possibility.

But then something strange happened: unexpected things kept on happening; despite my lists, despite my whatifs, despite my preparations. Sometimes they were good unexpected things, sometimes they weren't so good.  But they happened anyway.

And now... well now, I've realized that even though I do all my worrying, go through all my anxieties, make all my lists --nothing is going as planned. I am absolutely not where I expected to be. And maybe that's okay.

Monday morning is still Monday morning; it has the same name, it still comes at the same time and in the same order. It just acts as a Tuesday now. And the world hasn't collapsed. And everything is okay.

about time

There's something about Dubai that's constantly making me think about time.

Maybe it's the fact that the seasons are shuffled and that I can run into the sea on a random February day. Well maybe not run, more like slowly step into and gasp every time the water gets higher.

Or it's that days of the week blend-in and get blurry. That Sundays no longer mean lazy day on the blue couch watching a marathon of bad TV and eating hangover food. Here, Sunday means Monday, early mornings and at your desk by 9.

Could also be that the correlation between distance and time makes no sense to me here: like it takes 3 minutes for me to go from work to my hotel by car, but it takes 30 minutes for me to walk it. 

And then there's punching in and out of work on time (welcome to the corporate world, me!) and staying at the office until midnight (I know it's not that weird, most people have done it, but it's a little weird for me...) Apparently, that's what having a grown-up job feels like.

The fact is, for so long I was used to my time being mine. I was especially good at wasting it, atrociously, and procrastination is a particular skill of mine. But here, you just can't waste time, even if you try. It goes by so quickly, it feels like it's running on a different clock then the rest of the world. The day flies by, the week is over in a blink. Suddenly, I've been here a month already.

In a way, it feels energizing. So much to do and so much getting done. But it's also a little scary, time going by so fast. There are so many things I thought I'd accomplish before turning 30 (did I mention I'm turning 30? I expect it to come up a lot). So before I actually do turn 30, maybe I should try to accomplish some (most? all?) of these things. I'll do what I usually do, I'll make a list. And then I'll have exactly 4 months to tick all the boxes.

Maybe like that, I can use time to my advantage. The fact that I feel it so strongly here, it could be just what I need: like having a fire lit under my ass --to use a French expression that I can't find the proper equivalent for.

I have to go now, time is ticking.

But I'll keep you posted on that list.