The Almost Thirty Project --Week 3

With eight days to go and twenty-one challenges down, I have to say that this whole project has been one of my better ideas: I've done more things in 3 weeks than I have in the last 5 months, and it feels amazing to be reminded that there are always new things to try and to do. I've honestly wanted to quit it more than once, just because planning and making sure I do one thing every day is really challenging... but then I remember something my mother always told me "don't start something you can't finish" --and so that's how I got my ass up yesterday morning at 7 (if there is one thing I hate in this life it's waking up before my body tells me to) and dragged myself to the beach to "meditate before work"(#19). Once I sat down on the sand crossed-legged, closed my eyes and started breathing, I felt at peace. It is such a beautiful way to start the day, it completely trumps my need for an extra one hour of sleep.

And apart from this more spiritual moment, most of the challenges this week seemed to focus around my body and feeling sexy... There was the "buy very sexy lingerie" (#14) and the half hour I spent in the Victoria's Secret dressing room trying on all sorts of random underwear was a huge ego boost --it's all about the lighting and they have it down perfectly because you just look gorgeous in everything. There was the "no underwear day" (#15) which weirdly enough was given to me by not one but two people... and was the most uncomfortable day ever, which is all I'll say about it! Then there was the "skinny dipping" (#16)  which was absolutely amazing and which I will definitely, for sure do again and again! It was midnight and I was with a couple of friends --we swam into the sea a little far from shore and when we were sure no one could see, I duly removed my bathing suit. Giggles ensued... but then the most wonderful feeling of liberation. And finally to finish off the list of sexy "to-dos," I went to a "pole dancing class"(#20)... which is a LOT harder than it looks. I mean, the teacher looks absolutely fantastic and climbs that pole like it's the easiest thing in the world... But it's not. I couldn't even do one of the moves... and I'm pretty sure I'm going to see bruises appear all over my body. 

I also got to experience one of Dubai's famous "Ladies Night" (#18) where they basically give you free drinks (seriously like 3 free drinks each...!) and you'd think the place would be filled with, well, ladies... but it's mostly filled with guys who each come up to you with different cheesy lines. One I particularly liked was "You see all these guys? They're my friends and I don't feel like talking to them anymore" and my friend A. beautifully responded "Maybe you should get new friends." The look on his face was priceless. 

As for the most difficult challenge yet "Apply for your dream job" (#17) It was really difficult for me to decide what that job would be... because my real dream is to be a full time writer, writing novels on my own time and that's not a job I can apply to. So I applied for the next best thing --something I always thought was fascinating: working as a journalist for National Geographic. Travelling and telling stories from the four corners of the world. That's a good dream.

The Almost 30 project - Week 2

As I'm finishing off week 2 of my "Almost 30" project, I'm sharing a summary of my daily challenges here on the blog...

• Day 7 - "Take an acting class in Dubai": Far from being my first acting class, it was my first in a very long time. But it brought me back to a world in which I always felt happy in --a world where I can pretend to be anyone but myself. When I was younger, all I wanted was to be an actress. I filled my head with dreams and fantasies of one day conquering Hollywood and winning an Oscar. I hadn't acted in more than 3 years before that class, and being in an environment where I could just play felt fantastic.

• Day 8 - "Write the 10 biggest achievements of you twenties": I wrote those in details in a previous post... But I will say one thing about this challenge... putting these achievements down on paper really surprised me.  It's easy to forget how many things you should be proud of, and reminding myself was a huge boost. Now I'm looking forward to see what I'll do in my thirties...

• Day 9 - "Wear blue mascara": a challenge of beauty and make-up for someone who doesn't often wear any... It was fun to get out of my comfort box of black eye-liner and bronzer and try something a little more daring. Maybe it'll make me spice things up in the makeup department...

• Day 10 - "Do something that makes you feel like a child": Colors, brushes, paints... being surrounded by 6 and 7 year olds. Spending hours coloring on a ceramic mug on a saturday afternoon... just the type of thing I loved to do, back in the day when weekends were all about gathering around something creative. My mom always had an idea to keep us occupied: making chandeliers out of coca cola bottles, playing with salt dough clay, creating dolls out of buttons... it feels good to know we can still play like children as we grow into adulthood.

• Day 11 - "Wear high-heels at the office": This may seem like a curious one... considering that most people don't wear anything but heels at the office... but I had never done it in my entire professional life. I don't even wear heels when I go out at night, only very rarely. I have to admit though, there is something about spending a day in high-heels: It made me feel like I was in an episode of The Good Wife -like a sexy powerful professional woman... Not a bad thing to feel... And I think I may where more heels in my thirties!

• Day 12 - "Witness a moment of pure happiness": when I got this "to-do", I had no idea how or when I could get it done... it's not like you can predict a moment like that. And then my best friend got engaged... On Monday night, we went to celebrate, and I have never seen her that happy in fifteen years of friendship. It's a blessing to see someone you love so happy. And in that moment, I let go of all the fears and insecurities of my own life, and felt happy too. Not just "happy for her," but happy because she was happy. It's feels nice to tell the difference. 

• Day 13 - "Go to an audition": I've been acting since I was 12 years old and I've done dozens of plays, a few short films and even a TV series but I had never gone to a real audition before. I was a little nervous but I decided to give it my all --my big chance to see if I can really nail an audition or not. I learnt the text by heart in the 3 minutes I got to prepare, and went in to impress... let's see what happens! Maybe the career I dreamt of as a child will finally come to me in my thirties!

Today, as I write this, I still have no idea which "to-do" I'm going to do... it's getting harder and harder as the list gets shorter! And there are some scary things coming up on that list, including skinny dipping (I might get kicked out of Dubai for that one), apply for your dream job (which I still haven't figured out) and go for a 5k run (very, very optimistic...). Tune in next week for the next episode of "Almost 30"!

everything is okay

Monday morning no longer feels like it has for the past 29 years. It's not the first day of the week anymore; it doesn't hold that same power, the pressure, that sense of dread. It's just a day of the week now. Here, I start my week on a Sunday.

I woke up this morning and decided that everything is okay. Everything is okay, everything will be okay. I just need to let go. For the longest time, I've tried to control everything. Even things I can't control, I try to plan for. I make lists --that's how I feel better about things. To be prepared and avoid surprises. I guess this is what became of me after a series of unexpected events that came and punched me in the face, so, surprise surprise, my reaction is to be controlling. Was to be. I'm letting go now.

Actually, the truth is, the unexpected events probably exacerbated my anxieties but I'd always been naturally anxious. Even as a little girl, I always asked the "what if?" questions. I remember my mother pointing this out to me one day when we were on the Corniche, the beach walk in my hometown of Beirut. My baby brother was running around, and I kept worrying he'd fall over the edge. "What if he trips?" I asked. "What if he's holding onto the barrier and it breaks?" "What if he passes under the barrier because he's so small?"

"Why do you always have to think of all the bad possible things that could happen?" my mother asked me. "Relax. You don't need to worry. I'm here, let me worry about it, ok?"

Ok. If she was going to worry about it, then maybe I didn't have to. And I think it worked for a while. But then she died. And there was no one left to worry about all the things that needed to be worried about; no one but me. And I could not be unprepared again. I couldn't just let things happen to me, without accounting for every possibility.

But then something strange happened: unexpected things kept on happening; despite my lists, despite my whatifs, despite my preparations. Sometimes they were good unexpected things, sometimes they weren't so good.  But they happened anyway.

And now... well now, I've realized that even though I do all my worrying, go through all my anxieties, make all my lists --nothing is going as planned. I am absolutely not where I expected to be. And maybe that's okay.

Monday morning is still Monday morning; it has the same name, it still comes at the same time and in the same order. It just acts as a Tuesday now. And the world hasn't collapsed. And everything is okay.

like a grownup

This last year has been eventful, to say the least, so let me catch you up. I know, it's been a while.

Beirut - New York - Beirut - Dubai

Three moves in 11 months, that's a record for me. Not that I'm not used to moving, back and forth from my childhood bedroom onto the next new experience --and back.

When I moved to New York last January, it was the cool move: girl gets dumped, quits her job, takes all her savings, crashes on her best friend's couch and starts writing a book. It was a good story, so everyone cheered me on and told me how brave I was and I thought, for sure, it's all going to work out. It was like a scene in a movie, and of course, if it had been a movie, I would've found a job, gotten a work permit, finished the book, found a publisher, met the man of my dreams and all that. But it was real life and none of that happened. So after eight months of living in my parallel universe, where I refused to conform because I'm just not the kind of girl who wants to be stuck in another 9 to 5 job in the boring corporate world making money like normal people (who wants to be normal?) --I came back to Beirut with my tail between my legs, not a cent left and an unfinished manuscript.

I came back to Beirut and there I found myself, once again, in the bedroom I grew up in. The yellow walls I painted myself closing in on me. And everywhere around me, all the questions that I really didn't need.

"Oh so you're back from New York?" Yes...  (Look of pity.)

"Did you finish your book?" Not exactly, it does take a little more than few months to write a book you know. (Nod of pretend-understanding.)

"Did you meet someone?" Yes, I met lots of people... but no, not in the way you mean. (Nod of extreme pity, then an encouraging "don't worry you'll meet someone when the time is right".)

"So you're back for good?" No. I'm never back for good. What does that even mean?

What I really wanted to say? At least I tried.

And I'm not afraid to try again.

When I decided to move to Dubai, it was the safe move; nothing cool about it. Girl finds herself banging her head against the wall because she's almost thirty and still gets paid peanuts to write, so she gives in to the corporate 9 to 5, accepts the fact that getting a salary is unfortunately necessary sometimes and tries to make the best out of it. I wouldn't write this one into a movie scene --doesn't sound too exciting. And it was unsurprisingly met with a lot of "You went from New York to Dubai...? Wow..." (and then the look of disappointment, which is almost worse than look of pity.) Like it wasn't already hard enough for me.

The thing is, the truth is, I'm not exactly ecstatic about moving to Dubai. Everything I was running away from is all here in one place on a silver platter with a silver spoon that I don't want and don't care about. But I finally realized that what I need right now, to do what it is that I really want to do and need to do, is some stability. Maybe act like a grownup. At least for a little while.

So just in case you had any doubts, I'm not going to stop. Not the moving, not the dreaming, and definitely not the writing.